


White Elephant

by piratenat



Series: Stay With Me; Always [DISCONTINUED, Sorry] [4]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Drugged Sex, Drugs, I don’t know what else to tag, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kim Jong Brothers (EXO), M/M, Multi, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Not Really Character Death, Original Character Death(s), Other, Past Character Death, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Punk Jongdae, Street Kid Jongdae, also Christmas and New Years but not really, basically drugs and near death, sorry if it’s considered a Christmas fic and you don’t celebrate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 00:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13155705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piratenat/pseuds/piratenat
Summary: White Elephant: a party where people come together and have a gag gift exchange but to Jongdae it’s mostly about the drugs.





	White Elephant

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Hello! Howdy! How’s it going? I completely forgot what I was going to write but, I'm sorry for almost taking two years to update. Or for actually taking two years to update. I really don't know how long it's been, I'm sorry. I honestly rushed this and tried to keep it short but seriously failed and it's not even good so please sort of think of this as a draft that I will probably never update again but I swear I try. Yeah, I really don't know what else to say other than it's 4 am and I'm tired and you are welcomed to yell at me in Tumblr. I've been meaning to post earlier but after what happened recently, I don't even know if it's even ok to update or not because the news hit really hard and if you're still hurting please don't read this and I just realized that I should probably post this at the beginning. Ugh, I suck. I'm going to post at the beginning too. Thank you for reading. If you liked it, yay if not, then sorry I suck at writing. It's been too long that I've written anything fandom related. Ok bye!! Enjoy!

Since living with the Zhang family, Jongdae decided to make it a tradition every year on December 4th to mark his calendar as the official day to start preparing for Christmas. This was his second year doing this tradition, only this time it was different. Jongdae was officially a college student so him being home and taking out all the Christmas decorations so he can decorate himself, was not going to happen. Unfortunately he still had a week left of school, and it being finals, well there was not much Christmas spirit going on inside him. He was stressed, and anxious, and no matter what he was suppose to be doing, he decided that pinching his hands was helping him relieve some stress.

Baekhyun would tell him that a nice dick up his ass would get rid of it all, but Jongdae just wasn't in the mood to have a good fuck. Yixing was just as stressed as him so he knew that Yixing didn't have hard dicks in mind either. Luhan however was a bit helpful. Luhan would say a shitty comment and it was up to Jongdae to punch him. One time Jongdae's stress level was so high, Luhan and Minseok took him to a boxing ring where Jongdae got to punch the both of them as much as he wanted. A pinata would have helped but sometimes Jongdae's emotional level was high as well, that he cried over the pinata and didn't want to hurt it. He also thought about his mom and what Yixing did for him and Jongin, he couldn’t find it in himself to break it. Kyungsoo being the more reasonable one would sometimes visit Jongdae and together they would sing whatever songs they wanted. It relaxed Jongdae knowing that sometimes singing was a way for him to scream so loud he wouldn't get in trouble for it. Kyungsoo would just smile and nod as Jongdae was a bit right.

Since it was the last week of school, that meant that the whole week was going to be full of parties and Jongdae would get invited to all of them. It hurt him a little that people saw him as a party guy when he hasn't been to one of those parties in a long time. Even when Chanyeol had a gig, Jongdae would refuse to go. Chanyeol understood and never held it against him, but Jongdae always felt bad. All of their friends will be there except for him and Yixing. That was also a reason why Jongdae would feel bad too. Yixing could go, but because Yixing would rather stay with Jongdae, he always missed out. The most part though, whenever one of his classmates would ask him for a smoke, Jongdae would always feel bad. _"I'm a clean guy now. Why don't you see that?"_ But in the back of his mind an annoying phrase would play over and over again. _"Fuck ups can always find another fuck up."_

As he sat in the front seat of Kris' car and looked out the window, Jongdae would sigh as he noticed all the houses had their Christmas lights put up already. The Zhang home still hadn't put anything up and it was depressing him a little.

"Sad that you haven't put anything up yet?" Kris asked and Jongdae nodded. Kris chuckled as he looked over at his passenger then looked back at the road. "You still have time, don't worry about it."

"I know. But it's the Zhang's and Jongin's favorite holiday. The whole December month should be filled with _Christmas Magic_. Not a single day should be wasted." Kris laughed at the Christmas magic part as Jongdae said it with a sarcastic tone, but Jongdae was being serious so Kris frowned.

"Just because they like it doesn't mean that you have to too."

"I know. It really isn't bad though. I kind of grew to like it, especially since Sophia taught me so many things about it, but I just…."

"You just wanted to make them happy?" Kris asked and once again Jongdae nodded.

"Yeah. They come home late stressed and all and we barely see each other, I just figured that seeing their tree up with all the lights and decorations would make them happy."

Kris nodded to himself then looked back at Jongdae. "Does it make you happy though?"

Jongdae looked over at Kris who was staring at him with a smile on his face. He knew that answering with "it does" was a lie and that Kris would look right through it so Jongdae stuck to the truth. "Seeing them happy, yes. But personally, no."

"Then you don't have to conform to what they're into if you're not into it. They'll understand."

"Yeah maybe. But it's so depressing though. Nobody wants to hear depressing shit around this time." Jongdae said looking out the window again. The houses with their lights already on were so colorful, Jongdae liked that. The thing he didn't like, this holiday and everything about it was foreign to him.

"It's not depressing Jongdae. It's unfortunately what you've been through so you never grew to like the holiday like they did, but to tell you the truth, I'm with you. As you get older the holiday just seems like any other day, but if you're learning to like it little by little that's good, but just remember that you don't have to like every aspect of it. You can be the Grinch sometimes."

Jongdae laughed as he remembered who the Grinch guy was. "The green hairy guy, right?"

"Right." Kris answered, laughing along with him. "Maybe not all the way but you know, be a bit blunt I guess. I hope you know what I mean."

"Yeah. I think so. I'll think about it." Jongdae replied as he unbuckled his seat belt while Kris pulled up in the driveway of the Zhang's home.

"Good. Call me if you need anything." Kris told him as Jongdae got out of the car and nodded. When he closed the car door and Kris rolled his window down, Jongdae wished him good night and waved as he walked to the front door of the empty house while Kris drove away. Jongdae just sighed to himself as once again he was going to be left alone for a bit.

-

As Jongdae stared at his glass of water with paint tint floating around, he thought about what him and Kris talked about. He didn't have to be ok with every little Christmas detail but yet Jongdae wasn't thinking about it like that. He was thinking about other things besides Christmas that he wasn't ok with. That part included Yixing and stress. He wasn't ok with Yixing staying home with him all the time just because Jongdae was too afraid to go to a party. He also wasn't ok with the amount of stress he had and the way he was releasing it all out. Maybe Baekhyun was right, a nice fuck would release it all and make him better, but Jongdae just didn't feel right about having sex to release stress when he promised Saint Zhang that him and Yixing weren't doing things behind her back. She was ok with their relationship but when she found out that the two of them slept together she wasn't comfortable with that.

_"Do it… do it when you guys are alone. Does that make sense? Like, I know you two get urges, but… if I'm here… just don't. I kind of feel like I'll be disrespecting your mom letting you two go at it all the time. I hope you two understand." She said to the both of them and Jongdae laughed as he understood._

At the time Jongdae was still underage and even though both him and Yixing are a year apart, it will still be seen as wrong. At least in other parents opinion. Jongdae still understood and agreed so him and Yixing having sex was just rare between them now. The two of them also agreed that they didn't want their relationship to be all about sex as well, but even Jongdae had to admit that the two of them together sexually was pretty fucking good. It was amazing between them, but he likes the whole laying down in bed together and one minute they're pressed up together then the next they're fighting over who has the most blanket and who doesn't. He likes the dumb texts they text each other sometimes and the whole "I'll walk a mile everyday just to have lunch together." That's the part of him that makes him feel good about himself and feel good about Yixing and feel good about living together and everything that's good in his life.

The bad? Him relying so much on Yixing that it's on the verge of becoming very unhealthy. Due to Yixing coming home late lately, Jongdae feels afraid. If anyone would ask he'll deny that he's not afraid to be alone or that he's clingy, but that's really the real reason why he wants to be around Yixing so much. When he's alone he lets negative thoughts consume him so badly that he starts to get anxious. That anxiousness that he feels then later turns into panic which later becomes a panic attack and he feels that the best and easier way for him to come down from it is a smoke, but he knows that a smoke will be a gateway to other things he's given up in his life and after doing so well for a year, he can't start.

That's why he's pinching his hands. He's physically stopping himself from reaching out to whoever has a cigarette and asking for one. Even before, he wasn't much of a druggie, now he feels that a quick coke snort or taking a couple of pills of whatever he can find will be a great release, but how long will it take for him to grow addicted to it? It's just easier for him to always be around Yixing because Yixing keeps him distracted, makes him feel like he's high up in the clouds, makes him happy and drug free, but he knows it's not healthy at all to rely so much on Yixing. It's just another situation where someone has to rely on someone else to get "fixed" or to get help and he doesn't want that. He's always been a bit strong minded, it's time for him to find that person again and convince him to stay. Jongdae nods to himself and gets up to start making dinner. Good food in his stomach always makes him feel better.

-

"No I don't think we'll be going this Saturday. I know Jongdae would not want to go and I don't want him to be alone so I'm staying with him. You guys should all go out and have fun." Yixing says as he's talking on the phone with who Jongdae assumes it's Baekhyun. Yixing was officially done with finals, and so was Jongdae so the two of them decided to wait for Jongin together so they can go visit Saint Zhang after and have a celebratory dinner. As they were sitting on the couch and talking about their finals, Yixing's phone started to ring where Jongdae figured that it was another party invitation and as he listened to Yixing say that they're not going, Jongdae felt bad. _Yixing should go. He deserves some fun._ He stood up from the couch to walk towards Yixing where he took his phone in his hand and told Baekhyun that they're going.

"But Jongdae-" Yixing interrupted.

"We'll see you there." Jongdae singed-songed as Baekhyun hung up after. Jongdae laughed as he handed Yixing his phone back who was only staring at Jongdae with his mouth hanging open and wide eyed, surprised that Jongdae agreed. "Don't look at me like that. It's for the better good." Jongdae joked as he made his way back to the couch.

"But you hate going to those parties. Why would you agree?"

"I didn't want you to be cooped up in here with me and I know you won't go if I don't go, so I agreed."

"But Dae-"

"I know. But I think it's time I stop being so scared of these parties and just go and have fun. We're missing out in a lot of stuff.” Yixing smiled at his boyfriend as he walked towards him to press a light kiss on his lips. Jongdae pulled him down to sit him right next to him, setting his head down against Yixing’s shoulder as Yixing held him close so they can hold hands. They were quiet for a bit until Yixing spoke up.

“If later on you want to leave, just let me know. We’ll leave immediately.”

“I know.” Jongdae laughed, pressing a kiss on Yixing’s cheek. “I just think this is the right thing to do right now. I’ll have control and won’t be afraid to be around that.” Jongdae said but he’s sure he mostly said that to himself to make sure he doesn’t forget. Yixing, having no idea what Jongdae’s plan was, just smiled at him then lifted their clasped hands together to kiss Jongdae’s hand, which made him blush and laugh out loud from the small embarrassment. “Sttooopppp.” He whined. “You’re making me blush.”

“Good.” Yixing whispered. “I have a soft spot for blushy you.” He added as he moved towards Jongdae to make him lay back so Yixing could go back to kissing him again. Jongdae was back to feeling good and hopefully this good feeling lasted even after the party.

-

Jongdae was very wrong.

-

Yixing wonders if he should have seen it coming, but there was just no way of knowing that it _was_ coming. There was no sign that Jongdae would do this not on the day of the party or even before, so Jongdae choosing to overdose at the end of the year, Yixing feels like he should have seen it coming, but unfortunately he didn't. Yixing feels that it's only him to blame.

The day of the party started like any other. It was Saturday and the two of them got up a bit early because they wanted to surprise both Saint Zhang and Jongin with a big Christmas month breakfast. They had the whole giant table full of eggs and pancakes and potatoes cooked up with some leftover food from yesterday that they both felt would fit in with their morning food. They had fresh fruit cut up and of course the morning coffee and hot chocolate to pair. After breakfast, it was time to get ready to head out to the stores to buy their Christmas presents then Saint Zhang had to come back and go out with some friends while the three boys went back to wait up to get picked up to go to the party. It seemed like any other day.

When they got to the party they were surprised at the amount of people already there, which made Jongdae laugh a little on “how badly must school be that they're already here relieving stress.” Yixing laughed but gave Jongdae’s hand a squeeze to remind him that he was there for him. Jongdae just smiled and gave him a small nod back as their friends came running up to them to whisk them away to give them some drinks. After that, Yixing doesn't remember the rest because the two of them got separated from each other and he remembered drinking a lot. When he finally got to Jongdae, Jongdae looked fine and he never wondered what Jongdae did when they got separated or if he even was with their friends the whole time, but whether he was or wasn't, Yixing gets a gut feeling that it was then when it started.

It was after the party that Jongdae started to change. All the little events he wrote down on his calendar didn't go exactly as planned. Things like go with Baekhyun Christmas shopping, or go caroling with Kyungsoo and the others didn't happen at all because he didn't show up. The day of Jongin’s dance performance of the year, Jongdae wasn't there even though he promised, including Yixing’s holiday music bash for school. When he was there like Saint Zhang's small Christmas get together, Jongdae was just off and when Saint Zhang found out, it hurt her but she told him to go outside and not come back in until he found some way to get rid of the smell and get rid of the drugs he had stashed on him. Yixing and Jongin wondered what happened and didn't ask or follow Jongdae out but when Jongdae did come back, the guests were already gone and Jongdae insisted that he and only Saint Zhang should talk. That night Yixing found out that Jongdae wasn't at work like he said he was going to be at, so when he got to the party straight from work, it was actually Jongdae getting to the party straight from wherever it was that he got high and bought drugs from.

Yixing and Jongin couldn't believe it, but they believed Jongdae when he said that he was going to stop right away and that he was embarrassed that saint Zhang found him like that. They believed him, but it was obviously a lie as Jongdae once again used and this time convinced Yixing to have sex with him. Only it wasn't like usual where Jongdae becomes the bottom and it’s soft slow sex between them, this time it was a bit rough and it was Jongdae who convinced Yixing to suck him off. They never believed on having a set-top and a set-bottom but it was obvious that Yixing would always be a bit in control as Jongdae liked to ride Yixing’s cock like some sort of amusement park pony ride, and neither of them minded one bit, but today Jongdae just wanted his dick sucked and Yixing had the perfect lips to give him what he wanted. After, Jongdae just jerked him off and kissed him hard and told him he had other things to do. Yixing never felt so alone than after that when Jongdae got up to leave when usually the two would just stay in bed and cuddle up to talk about whatever. Jongdae just left him alone where Yixing later saw a picture on his Instagram feed of Jongdae and a couple of girls together where one of them even sat on his lap and was kissing him. It didn't hurt, but what did hurt was that Jongdae basically left him alone just to go get high.

On Christmas eve, Saint Zhang invited the whole family. She invited a couple of co-workers, Jongin and Jongdae's grandmother, including Jongdae's grandmother from his dad's side of the family, Sophia and her mom Stacey, and if the guys were able to spare some time and come for a bit, they were invited too. Jongdae on the other hand though, was not Jongdae at all. He kept disappearing and the more and more people would ring the doorbell and come on in, Yixing would notice that something wasn’t right. Jongdae would try to greet everyone, even hug and kiss his grandmothers but he would not stick around. The main thing that gave it away though was that Jongdae was nowhere near or around Sophia at all. When the little girl would try to approach him, it was up to Jongin or Yixing or even Stacey to pick her up and take her away because Jongdae would just ignore her and once again disappear. Yixing was sure that at some point he got a whiff of cigarette smoke on Jongdae, but he never confronted him about it. In fact no one has, so whatever was going on with Jongdae and others would notice, no one would actually go up to him and ask about it. A mistake neither Yixing or anyone should have done.

That night though, as they waited for Christmas Eve to turn into Christmas day, Jongdae would put on a facade that he was alright and was going to greet the guests that just kept on arriving, but when he disappeared once again, he disappeared for good. That night when the guests finally left, Jongin spent all night apologizing on Jongdae’s behalf as Saint Zhang tried so hard not to cry in front of them as they all tried calling and messaging Jongdae. Some of Yixing’s friends went out to look for him but nothing, but in Yixing’s opinion they were all busy doing something while Yixing just sat there doing nothing at all. He was just surprised that he wasn’t there when Jongdae needed him most, so he made it his mission to hate himself for it. For two whole nights, Jongdae was gone and would not return until the third day, early morning.

-

Jongdae knew that he was hurting everyone he loves but he couldn’t handle it anymore. That night at Christmas Eve was the last straw, he had to smoke, take a hit of whatever drugs he could afford, but they weren’t helping him. Each time a guest would come over and he had to smile at them and say hello, Jongdae felt that they were out to get him. Or that every little thing he said or did was just seen as wrong in their eyes. He needed to relax and not be in his head so much but it was really impossible, he needed some fresh air, he needed to get out of there. The only place he knew where to go where others wouldn’t judge him was at the bridge. It was cold out and he wasn’t freezing but it was there that Jongdae felt that he belonged, that he was warm enough despite the lack of proper jacket on. It was there that even though he’s been gone for a long time, they accepted him with warm open arms. It was there where Jongdae felt close to his mom again. It was also there where Jongdae felt that he got to sleep in his mom’s embrace once again, but only a fool would know that it was just a hallucination.

The past days where he was gone from the Zhang home, Jongdae felt that he was with his mom again. Once the hallucination was over and he felt cold, Jongdae knew what he needed to do. He needed more money to see her and feel her around him again, so that early morning he was going to go home and look through his stuff because he’s sure that he has money hidden somewhere, he just needed to find a way to sneak in. It was easy to do so since he knew where the spare key was at, it wasn’t easy getting out though.

When Jongdae opened the door, he was face to face with Jongin. Jongin apparently has been sleeping in the living room in hopes of Jongdae coming back but because Jongdae wasn’t exactly quiet like he thought he was being, Jongin heard a noise outside and wanted to see what was going on, only to come face to face with Jongdae.

“Hyung! You’re back!” Jongin yelled out as he pulled his smaller brother into his arms and held him tight. He didn’t care about the smell or where his brother has been, Jongin was just glad that Jongdae was back. As he cried and held onto Jongdae so tight, Saint Zhang and Yixing came running out of their rooms and cried when they saw Jongdae in the flesh and being held by his brother. When Saint Zhang and Yixing tried to hug him as well, Jongdae moved back and pushed Jongin away also as he wasn’t there to get love from them at all. He was there to be a jerk and run off again.

“No, don’t touch me!” Jongdae said out loud as he moved back.

“Why not?”

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“I’m not here to come back.” Jongdae whispered as he started to cry. “I shouldn’t come back. I’ve hurt all of you so I don’t deserve any of you, but you need to let me do this.”

“Do what?” Saint Zhang asked as she moved forward a little bit to get closer to him, but Jongdae noticed and took another step back. She stopped to look at him and noticed that he wouldn't make eye contact with anyone, it was a sign that he really was meaning everything he was saying. If he was sober right now it meant that he was tweaking out though and that worried Saint Zhang that maybe Jongdae might end up hurting someone else or himself. “Jongdae, honey, listen to me. We’ll give you whatever you want, just… Stay here with us, yeah? Is that ok with you? We can give you food and all the sleep you want, just promise to stay here?” Yixing and Jongin noticed that it took a lot for Saint Zhang to speak up without crying. It's been hard on both Jongin and Yixing, but everyone seemed to forget about Saint Zhang and how she feels about the whole situation. She's been nothing but a second mom to both Jongin and Jongdae, she also has a huge responsibility on taking both of them in and treating them like her own, if it was anybody else they would have dumped Jongdae and let him handle it himself, but not her. That was not her parenting style. Jongdae needed to be helped, he just forgot on how to ask for it again.

Jongdae was crying harder than before. He knew that he was hurting Saint Zhang so much but he needed to see his mom again. He needed to be around her, and feel her, and even though Saint Zhang is a close second, Jongdae knew deep down that it wasn't the same. He felt a bit cornered as he was now against the wall from backing up too much but it was the only way Saint Zhang got close to him to immediately pull him into her arms. She felt bad for not letting Jongin and Yixing join in but she knew that if they got close, Jongdae would pull away and say that he doesn't deserve their love. As she held him tight and whispered calming words against him as he held on tight onto her, Yixing had no other choice but to console Jongin as he wouldn't stop sobbing. He noticed the strength Jongdae was forcing out to believe whatever he wanted to believe but whatever it was, it wasn't enough as he whispered out an apology and forced himself away from Saint Zhang to go running out the door. Both Jongin and Yixing ran off after him, but Jongdae always being a bit faster than the two of them was farther away that they couldn't catch up to him, even if they did though, Jongdae got into some unknown car that suddenly showed up out of nowhere and sped off. This time, Yixing wasn't afraid to cry.

-

It was after a whole week of everyone going out to go look for him and even asking the police for some help that both Jongin and Yixing got a text from Jongdae asking for help. Jongin didn't see the text message until later but it was Yixing who was trying to get Jongdae to tell him where he was at, but Jongdae was too high and too scared to give a proper answer. He told Yixing that he was scared that he might overdose but something dark in him kept telling him to keep taking while another part of him told him to ask Yixing for help. He was having an internal battle where oddly the bad side of him took the form of his stepdad while the good looked a lot like his mom. He would feel extremely cold then extremely warm at some points, he couldn't point out where exactly he was in reality to feel those two extremes. He kept crying and shaking, begging for both sides to stop and leave him alone but that's when his stepdad and mom would step up and yell at each other, leaving Jongdae in the middle.

“Yixing… There's a huge grinning muscle man here.” Jongdae whispered but it was so softly, Yixing started to freak out that something was wrong with Jongdae. Yixing and Jongin were running everywhere to look for him after giving up on only looking at Jongdae’s favorite spots. Some of the guys were even in different parts of the town and in different cities because they know that Jongdae could be anywhere, while Saint Zhang stayed at home.

“What's the grinning muscle man doing?” Yixing asked, as him and Jongin looked through a nearby park to see if he was there but nothing.

“Working out. He's getting angry at mom and dad though for hurting me. He's the protector remember.” Jongdae said as Yixing finally realized where Jongdae was.

“Jongdae, stay there ok? Don't move a single inch, the muscle man will protect you, ok? Just tell him everything you feel and don't hang up on me.” Yixing told Jongdae as he grabbed onto Jongin’s arm hard to stop him from walking. “He's at school in front of the school mural we did together. Call my mom and the others and tell them where he's at and to bring paramedics too. I'm going to run ahead and get to him first and try to help him.”

“Ok. Please do anything to get him out of it. I can't lose him.” Jongin quietly begged him as he started to cry now, already pulling his phone out to do what he was told.

“I know. I'll do anything, I promise.” Yixing promised as he wiped Jongin’s tears away. “Let's hurry.” was the last thing he said as he ran off and Jongin stayed behind to make some calls.

Yixing ran and ran as he heard Jongdae talk to the muscle man. He was about 4 blocks away from their old high school, he begged that he would make it in time and that Jongdae would hold on. He heard laughter and a couple of coughs here and there but what hurt the most was Jongdae crying in pain. Jongdae shouting to whatever to shut up and leave him alone scared Yixing a lot. Jongdae growing extremely quiet and say that he's warm then later say that he's cold, worried him even more. He was about two blocks in when Jongdae started to cry for him.

“Yixing! Yixing! Yixing, I'm scared! Yixing! What do I do? Help me! Everyone’s gone! I don't know what to do. Mommy’s not here anymore! Where are you? What do I do?”

“Baby don't panic. I'm on the phone with you. I'm almost there, just give me a little bit more time to get there. Tell me what you see. Do you still see the muscle man?” Yixing tried to ask calmly but since he was running and trying to run so hard and so fast to get there quickly, he knows that his questions coming out so breathless was freaking Jongdae out more. He needed to get there now.

“No. It's dark here. I think dad’s here though. He's mad that I killed him. He keeps telling me to take more but mom kept yelling at him to leave me alone. She kept holding me and she was so warm, and dad’s so cold and oh god he wants me to take more. He wants to kill me for killing him. Yixing I’m scared. I'm going to overdose! Help me! Please!”

Yixing is in full panic now. He has no idea what Jongdae is doing or if he even has any more drugs on him for him to take more while he still has a block to go. He doesn't care if he gets there first or not he just wants someone there to help Jongdae right now. If he's calculated correctly, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo should be nearby, but Minseok and Luhan would get there first since they're in a car and can jump a fence faster. Paramedics and his mom should be on their way this very second and Jongin would either be running towards the school right now as soon as he finished making calls or waiting for Tao and Sehun to get back to the city and pick him up to take him there. The closest is him for sure and can definitely climb a fence faster but his fear is him getting there and finding Jongdae dead or dying there and not being able to help him. “I'm sorry, Dae. Please keep holding on.” Is all Yixing could say as he's given up talking so he won't slow down anymore and get to Jongdae as fast as he could. Jongdae, on the other hand, stopped crying and dropped his phone where the line went dead.

-

When Yixing got to the school and jumped the fence and ran towards the mural, he could not stop the scream and crying he let out as he found Jongdae lying there in the cold and his lips turning blue. He was still alive but his breathing was coming out bad and had the weakest pulse ever, it was almost nonexistent. Yixing didn't know what to do. He was the son of a nurse but his mind was completely blank. He pulled Jongdae onto his lap and held him but something told him that it was a bad idea. He smacked his cheek a couple of times to get him to wake up, but it wasn't working. He rubbed Jongdae’s arms and legs to get him to warm up but it wasn't working either.

“Jongdae! You need to wake up now! Please!” Yixing begged but he didn't know if Jongdae could hear him. He tried smacking his cheeks again but it wasn't working so Yixing tried doing a shock method. He started unbuckling Jongdae’s pants to pull them off and put something cold on him but he couldn't find anything. He tried his bare hands as they were cold from running to get to him, but it was no use. He couldn’t shock his system. He rolled Jongdae onto his side and begged that anyone would get there quickly, not stopping on trying to wake him up until someone got there.

It was a few minutes later when his mom and paramedics arrived, quickly taking Jongdae away to whisk him into the back of the ambulance and rush him to the hospital to save him.

-

It wasn't even New Year’s Eve when Jongdae woke up and made everyone cry as he apologized to them and told them that what he did and was doing to himself was the worst thing he could do to any of them, including Jongin and Saint Zhang. To Yixing, he only apologized and promised to not do it again. Yixing accepted it but felt a bit bad that everyone got thorough apologies while he got an “I'm sorry” but he was just glad that Jongdae was alive and well.

-

On New year’s eve, Jongdae made Yixing cry as he told him that he was going into rehab and that he’ll be going away and keeping minimum contact with him. It wasn't a breakup but Yixing understood. Jongdae had to do this for himself and not for anyone, not even for Jongin or Saint Zhang, or Yixing, or his dead or alive relatives. _He_ had to do it for himself and _only himself_. Only then would he feel happy and acceptance towards himself and everything he's been through instead of choosing to spiral down again.

-

On New years day, Jongdae was gone and started the new year right by being selfish and learning to love himself and to rely on himself instead of relying on others to help him move forward. Everyone was happy with his decision and so was Jongdae as he looked forward to getting out and being a “new and self-loving and loving others around him even more” kind of man and no one was more proud of him than Yixing himself. Jongin and his mom and Jongdae's family as well were proud but Baekhyun swears he's got everyone beat. Jongdae just hugged him tight and thanked him and made him promise to watch over Yixing.

“You know I will. Just focus on yourself and getting the treatment on beating that demon.”

“I promise," Jongdae whispered as he hugged Baekhyun one last time before he had to leave. Everyone cried but Jongdae cried the most as his old life was officially going to end and he could look forward to his new life that was about to begin.

-

When Jongdae finally got out, him, Jongin, and Yixing made a visit to the beach they all went to when their mom’s service was taking place. Jongin was in the water talking to his mom as both Jongdae and Yixing stayed on the sand and watched. It was nearing sunset which meant it was the perfect time to have a conversation with their mom while Yixing waited for the Jong brothers to finish, only Jongdae already went first and all that was left was Jongin. They made it their thing that whenever they wanted to talk to their mom and that they knew that she was listening was during sunset, but today they wanted to feel closer to her and went to the beach to visit her instead of going to her burial site where it's too depressing and not like her at all, while the beach just felt like she was herself. And oddly the Jong brothers just felt more comfortable and more like themselves here than at the burial site.

“You never told me what happened when we got separated at the party. Did you see someone or did someone tell you something to get high?” Yixing asked as Jongdae turned from watching his brother out in the water to look at his boyfriend. Yixing always had this in mind but was too afraid to ask Jongdae, but since Jongdae got out and looked really well and willing to talk about anything, Yixing couldn't help but ask.

“The party?”

“You know, the party we went to after finals and then… You know… You started using after?” Yixing was growing hesitant now. Jongdae looked at him for a couple of seconds when he then remembered.

“Oh! That party. You figured out that I started using since then?” Jongdae asked as Yixing nodded after.

“You just seemed different after that day.”

“Oh my god Yixing!” Jongdae suddenly yelled out as he sat up straight and moved closer to Yixing to take his hand. “I hurt you. I can't believe that it's taken me this long to apologize to you. I'm so so sorry Yixing for doing that to you.”

“What are you talking about?” Yixing laughed as Jongdae’s behavior suddenly changed from calm to panic in a split second.

“I cheated on you. I left you alone to go get high and those girls… They kissed me.” Jongdae looked down as he completely forgot on what happened but Yixing bringing up the party again brought back some memories. He was getting ready for what was about to happen next but what Yixing did was unexpected. He tilted Jongdae’s head back and kissed him on the lips, a smile spread across his face after.

“I forgave you on that a long time ago, in fact, it didn't hurt me at all. You leaving to go get high was what hurt the most, so don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're past that now.”

“But I…”

“Really, it’s fine. I knew that it wasn't your intention to do that and that you were just high, but they also took advantage of you and I can't get mad at something that wasn't your fault. So really, it's fine and I'm ok with it. It's not like you slept with them either.”

“I know. But still, I'm sorry, and the day of the party…”

“Yeah?”

“I was nervous and freaking out that I was going to fail, and even though I did, just seeing those people I used to be around with, it was just so easy to get back into that old routine again, but only this time the routine was much worse and I just wanted to be with my mom again. I'm sorry.”

Yixing stayed quiet. He only looked at Jongdae as Jongdae waited patiently for Yixing to say something, but when Yixing didn't speak up, Jongdae wasn't sure if he should add something or not. “So no one forced you? It was all you?” Yixing spoke up.

“Yeah. I was just so stressed and constantly left alone, I let those thoughts where everything would be easier if I just smoked or took some drug keep coming up, but I was wrong. Then when I started to see my mom throughout the sessions, I just wanted to do it some more. I also felt that I would use you for any little thing, doing drugs was just easier than feeling like I was using you all the time.”

“But Jongdae, it's ok to rely on someone-”

“Not at the rate that I was though. It was borderline unhealthy, Yixing. For every little thing I wanted you there. Every bump and sound, every change of emotions, every time you were far, I was afraid that it would develop into something else. That's why I had to leave and keep almost no contact with you because I didn't want to get well for you, I wanted to get well for myself. I'm so done with unhealthy relationships in my life. I don't want ours to be one of them. I hope you understand.”

“I understand. I understood when you told me in the hospital that night, but I want you to know that you can still rely on me for help. No matter what it is, you can come to me for help.” Yixing cupped Jongdae's face in his hands as he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Jongdae's. “I'm so proud of you.” He whispered. “I'm glad you did this for yourself and I hope you know that I love you, but don't ever scare me like that again.”

Jongdae laughed as he cupped Yixing's face in his hands as well. “I promise, I won't.” He swore the promise with a kiss instead of the usual pinky promise when Yixing moved back to look up at the sky.

“Hear that, mother in law. If he breaks it, promise to smite him.” Jongdae just laughed out loud then pulled Yixing forward to kiss him again.

Jongin just watched the two of them and shook his head as he looked up at the sky after and smiled. “He's growing up mom. He's learning how to love and just learned to accept himself and to love even the dark parts. He'll be ok from here on out. Thank you for watching over hyung during that time.”

When they all looked up at the sky one more time before leaving, Jongdae swears he saw a cloud shape of his mom. The warmth he felt when he would get high that reminded him of his mom radiated all around him but faded away when his phone started to ring. A new warmth filled up inside him that he couldn't help but smile when he saw that Saint Zhang was calling.

**Author's Note:**

> *Update* It was around 4 am when I posted this and I didn’t realize that the links weren’t working and that I also seemed crazy, so thank you so much for reading. I really am sorry it’s taken me so long to update and that this update may seem bad, but I just really wanted to get this out because I didn’t want to leave story Jongdae hanging like that. If you liked it, yay if not, then sorry I suck at writing. It's been too long that I've written anything fandom related. Thank you for the hits and kudos and comments and everything in between, it seriously means the world to me. ^^
> 
> Thank you so much and happy holidays, have a fantastic new year, or if you don’t celebrate any holidays at all then I hope you have a great fantastic week and rest of the month as well. Bye!!! ^^
> 
> **The links don’t want to work out but if you really want to read on Aff it’s under the same name just a different username which is nat-uhh-lee (I don’t know what I was thinking choosing names, I’m the worst at them) or message me on tumblr at sjabe for a proper link. Sorry and have a good day! ^^**


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